We didn’t sell a single biscuit.

This is the original copy from her poster that she wrote all by herself.

You’ve shopped for every one, but what about your little Santa Paws?

Dog biscuits for your little pampered pooch.

They’re perfect stocking stuffers for your cute doggy. The dog biscuits are Christmas shaped. 3.99 for a dozen. All proceeds go to the SPCA Biscuit fund.

 When I thought about her poster, I came to the conclusion her copy wasn’t good, it was too good—for someone her age. Her clever copy sounded like it could have been written by an adult (in my humble opinion).

But if you’re reading this poster thinking an adult had written it, you might question the seller’s motivation. You might wonder why she left out some important details such as ingredients, and or that they’re homemade. The poster doesn’t build trust in this respect (would you feed your dog any old biscuit off the street?).

If, on the other hand, the copy had begun:

“Hi, my name is Mary, and I’m 9 years old. I have made some dog biscuits for your little pooch.

All my sales will go to the SPCA.”

sales may have been a little more brisk. The lack of details might have been forgiven. And what 9-year-old would have anything but the best intentions in mind?

In an earlier post, I talked about how to write copy that was authentic to your company and brand. For example, if a bank tried to be too hip or informal, it rattles us because this is not what we’ve come to expect from banks. We actually began to feel distrustful.

The next time you’re drafting copy, ask yourself: if my company was a person, would she talk like that? This will help you find your authentic voice.

Here’s a coffee cup sleeve from JJ Bean, one of my favourite coffee roasters in Vancouver.

“Cupping: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK. Cupping is the process where JJ Bean staff grind, smell, slurp, savour and select wanna-be coffees for our cafés. Sure, it’s a chance for staff to geek out, but it’s also how the best tasting coffee ends up in your cup. (Cupping…still sounds funny.)”

This is not something you’d find on a Starbucks “As I see it” cup.

This copy works because it’s fun and cheeky, and tells us that JJ Bean is willing to take some chances and experiment. The copy also conveys JJ Bean’s dedication to quality and finding the perfect bean.

Reading this, you can imagine the clientele: artists, free agents, urban hipsters, professionals, and anyone who really knows coffee and is willing to go out of their way to get a cup (like I did the other day while downtown).

You can also imagine what part of Vancouver you might find a JJ Bean in:  downtown, urban neighbourhoods, and markets. (Though I told the guy brewing my coffee they really ought to consider opening a store in South Surrey where we could use a boutique coffee shop.)

JJ Bean’s website isn’t quite as cheeky, but is written honestly and sincerely, and shows a passion for the company’s roots. The telephone poles and wires, and Victoria at Powell street signs add an urban, edgy touch.

I filled my cart with a few items. There was a bit of sticker shock when the duties and taxes were added at checkout (note to e-tailers: the earlier in the transaction you can give an idea of the total bill, the fewer abandoned carts you’ll have).

But just in case I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go through with the transaction, L.L.Bean reiterated their offer across the Review and Submit Order page, as shown here.

In Sway – The Irresistible Pull of Irrational Behavior, authors Ori and Rom Brafman describe our psychological aversion to loss, which is much stronger than our positive feelings of experiencing a gain. It’s why car rental companies sell “loss damage” waivers, and why flat-rate plans tend to out-sell pay-by-the-minute plans.

For my shopping excursion, although I had to spend over $25 to receive a $10 gift card (which isn’t redeemable until the next purchase, I might add, meaning I need to spend even more money to earn my reward), I can’t help thinking, “Well, if I don’t buy, I won’t receive the $10 card, plus I’ll lose out on free shipping which may not be available the next time I shop.”

Although this example might not fit perfectly with the Brafmans’ theory, your copy can impart the feeling of “missing out”.

For L.L.Bean, the copy for this offer could be rewritten:

“Don’t miss out on this FREE gift card offer. Click Submit Order to earn your $10 L.L.Bean gift card.”

If you’re offering free shipping, consider this call to action at checkout:

“Don’t miss out on this free shipping offer. Choose Continue Shopping to take advantage of free shipping on your entire order.”

I write a regular email newsletter for one of my clients, and we find that in any month that we run a “Last chance to enter such and such contest” feature, click-through rates tend to soar. It’s that potential for missing a chance to enter that prompts the click.

It’s also the same reason why home lottery marketers like to remind you that their tickets are “70% sold”.

So don’t miss your chance to comment on my blog.

One of my favourite U.S. home retailers is Pottery Barn. But with only one storefront here in Vancouver, I do much of my browsing online. I know from past shopping that Pottery Barn has beautiful Christmas décor, so I went to www.potterybarn.com to see what they’re selling this year.

Here was Pottery Barn’s homepage (above the fold) from a few days ago.

Other than the “peace” ornament, I couldn’t immediately see a link or image taking me to a holiday décor landing page. (And I say “immediately”, because there is indeed one. Read on.)

This is roughly how my eye tracked the page, starting in the upper-right part of the screen (pardon my sophisticated tracking “software”).

The ornament gave me some clue that there was a décor landing page. But I wasn’t interested in ornaments specifically, nor free shipping on said ornaments, and so I didn’t bother reading the copy under the image.

Being the patient shopper I am, I decided to use the Search feature to look for the hangers. Lo and behold, near the search feature was a link to Holiday Décor.

Meeting multiple customer objectives

Pottery Barn has chosen two primary customer objectives for their homepage: gift giving and sales shopping. Given the season, choosing gift giving as the main focus makes sense, and likely meets the objectives of a large percentage of their audience.

However dedicating four boxes to specials and sales (in some respects, a very “bricks ‘n’ mortar” tactic), ignores one of the top reasons people surf: to gather information and research.

By seeding these boxes with trigger words that address objectives other than just sales shopping (which could be accomplished with one box), Pottery Barn has an opportunity to be relevant to a wider audience.

Compare PB’s homepage to Crate&Barrel’s. Crate&Barrel’s homepage is a lot busier above the fold than PB’s, but look at how they’ve used categories in five boxes to appeal to different buying objectives. You can also see that “Gifts” and “Holiday” in the navigation are in red, making them very easy to spot.

I do think some of Crate&Barrel’s copy is a bit too clever (“deck the halls” could have simply been called “holiday décor”). And what is behind  “give red, save green” took me too much guesswork. But overall, their homepage tries to appeal to more kinds of buyers and their objectives.

Here are the takeaways from my shopping excursion:
- Seed your homepage with trigger words that meet more than one buying objective (e.g. just browsing, bargain hunting)
- Use words that your buyers use, and avoid anything too clever
- Keep your homepage clean and focused, with the information most relevant to your shoppers above the fold (i.e. before scrolling is required)

p.s. I’m still sans stocking hangers. I’m holding out for Boxing Day.

Within a few square inches (or centimetres, if you will), food manufacturers must include information such as the product’s name, a list of ingredients, country of origin, company contact information, and basic nutritional information. And to top it all off, the label has to be designed in a way that compels a shopper to pick the product off the grocery store shelf.

But that doesn’t mean there isn’t plenty of room for improvement.

Here are a few of my food labelling pet peeves:

Best before date
I’m a stickler for best before dates. So does 10JAN09 mean January 10, 2009 or January 9, 2010? Canadians and Americans prefer different date formats, so this may be reflected in the labelling. What’s equally frustrating is that sometimes the date isn’t described at all, so you’re left guessing whether it’s a best before or an expiry date.

“May contain” or “and/or”
How is it a product “may” contain something? Why are manufacturers allowed to waffle on ingredients?

“Low in fat”
This is often just another way to disguise the fact that the product is loaded with sugar. I’ve seen this on marshmallow bags.

0 Trans Fats!
Yet, I find hydrogenated oils in the list of ingredients, which are notorious for containing trans fats. Turns out that if a product contains less than 0.5 g of trans fats per serving (per FDA guidelines), the product’s trans fats are listed as 0.

“Imported by”
I have a big problem with this one because I’d like to know which country this food is being imported from. This labelling just tells you who imported it.

“Product of “
Thank goodness the Canadian government has addressed this one. Used to be if 51% of a food product’s production costs were incurred in Canada, it could be labelled “Product of Canada”. So Sun-Rype’s apple juice could be a “Product of Canada” even if the apples came from Washington State (not that there’s anything wrong with WA apples).

And perhaps my biggest pet peeve is what’s not on the label. When you open a package, jar, or bottle, how long can you keep the product on the shelf or in the fridge before it should be tossed? Some manufacturers include “Best consumed within x days after opening”, and hats off to them. The reason this one bothers me so much is that there are plenty of foods that can spoil without evidence of spoilage (such as smell, taste, appearance of molds, etc.).

So the next time you’re grocery shopping, take some time to read the food labels. What bothers you?

Common wisdom in high-tech writing says to stress benefits before features. Be sure to tell your audience that your solution is faster, more cost-effective, easier to use, and is better than all the rest. Don’t inundate your audience with a mind-numbing list of technical features.

Unfortunately, the result if often jargon-filled and cliche-ridden sentences that border on short novels. You can read them five times over and the copy still doesn’t tell you anything. You’re left asking “but what does this product do?”.

Here’s a smattering of phrases that illustrate my point.

“Take your business to the next level.”
What business? What level? Huh? If I come across this cliche again, I’m going to lose it.

“Out-of-the-box industry-tailored functionality with built-in flexibility to match your unique processes and evolving needs.”
That’s a lot of hyphens. Does this product also make toast?

“A next-generation inventory and order management platform that enables the strategic and cost-effective delivery of traditional and next-generation services over complex networks.”
Can someone tell me what “next-generation” means? Oh, and it doesn’t hurt to throw in the word “strategic” once in a while to appeal to upper management.

“Get the right data to the right people at the right time.”
I guess that’s better than getting the wrong data to the wrong people at the wrong time. Enough said.